February Books

Intimations by Zadie Smith

Written during the first days of the Pandemic this collection of essays covers random thoughts and feelings Smith had at the time and she also reflects on the Murder of George Floyd. I’ve never actually read any of Smith’s fiction so I thought I would start with her essays and I liked her writing style so I will be checking out her fiction in the future.

Oedipus Rex by Sophocles

I listened to an audio adaptation on Audible that you can download for free as part of your audible subscription. I think everyone knows Oedipus Rex to some extent, perhaps because of Freud’s controversial Oedipus Complex theory more than anything else which is interesting in itself, how something becomes part of a collective cultural memory. I didn’t realise that the play takes place during a pandemic so that was interesting. I used to read Greek plays in the school library during lunch break (I can’t remember which ones tbh) but this was my first encounter with Sophocles and I must say that I did enjoy the audio adaptation as really for me plays become so much more accessible when dramatised either on stage or by audio.

The Hound of the Baskerville’s by Arthur Conan Doyle

Here ends my reading of the Sherlock Holmes books. For some reason I just don’t get on with them, I find them rather bland and boring if I’m perfectly honest. I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. Is Sherlock Holmes and an interesting character? Sure, but that’s about all that Doyle has going here. The mystery in Baskerville’s wasn’t even that interesting and the vibe wasn’t as spooky as I had hoped, which is the only reason why I picked up another Holmes story, the hope of Gothic elements. The cover is pretty though…

Strange Weather in Tokyo by Hiromi Kawakami - Sága Book Club Pick

What a heartwarming novel. I absolutely adored this book and I am so happy that I finally read it. Kawakami’s story of two people, a teacher and his former student re-connecting after many years is just the kind of book I needed right now. The writing is uncluttered and is essentially an episodic slice-of-life narrative which is clearly a result of how it was published in Japan as it was originally serialized from July 1999 to December 2000, before becoming a novel.

One of my favourite things about Strange Weather in Tokyo is how the seasons drift by and that this subtly drives the narrative. We follow the characters as they encounter each other sporadically and it is dependant on the seasons as to where they will meet and what they will eat. This tradition of seasonal eating is a very Japanese practice, there is even a word 旬 ‘Shun’, which refers to when ingredients are at their most optimal for eating. While the principal characters engage in eating Shun foods and drinking copious amounts of beer and sake together (sounds like quite the ideal ritual…am I right?) they form an attachment, that soon blossoms into love.

“I felt a sudden rush of warmth in my body, and felt the tears well up once again. But I didn't cry. It's always better to drink than to cry.”

The novel is told in first-person from the point of view of Tsukiko, a nearly 40-year-old former student of Sensai who is himself some 30 years her senior. She is shy and doubtful and I found her character really quite relatable, as I am those things myself. I also think that love is born out of quality time shared and that it almost creeps up on you, just like it did to these characters. I won’t spoil the ending but it was both expected and unexpected, perhaps a better way to put it is that I saw it coming but I didn’t think it would be executed in the way that it was. I think Strange Weather in Tokyo has certainly become a new favourite and I’m sure I’ll revisit it many times in the future.

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Thanatophobia + The Seventh Seal

The other night I had a panic attack. Again. I laid down in bed, switched the light off and hoped my brain would follow suit. It didn’t. Instead of the usual barrage of ideas for stories or random philosophical musings that often keep me up at night, a much more sinister thought settled in my mind. Death. You see death and the process of dying (and therefore ceasing to exist) always sets me off, I just can’t get my head around it and it freaks me out so much to the point that I have full-blown panic attacks about it.

One time at the doctors when I was younger and having an injection, I fainted for the first time. It was a slow blurring of the senses and an encroaching vignette of darkness. Naturally, I thought I was dying. I was completely terrified and I can remember struggling to breathe and shouting ‘I don’t want to die’ a few times before losing consciousness. Not my finest moment. After that episode, the fear of death went away for a few years, came back and retreated again like the tide. It had been quite a while since the last panic attack about death, but I guess with the whole pandemic situation and hearing and seeing death counts every single day the anxiety around it has understandably returned.

Sometimes I ask myself how does everyone function, why is the world not in a blind panic? People running around screaming and crying because of their guaranteed oblivion. Evolution. That’s why. Religion helps too. When I was a teenager I would read the New Testament desperate to believe in God so that I wouldn’t be so scared of death, but I never could quite convince myself. I’ve also tried Zen Buddhism too, that worked much better and for quite a long time I was at peace with the transience of life. In fact, I started looking at death as the final act in a play. Your prologue takes place while you're in the womb, the first act is…well who am I kidding Shakespeare has already covered this ground and he did it far better than I ever could.

I recently watched Bergman’s The Seventh Seal to try and see another point of view on death, and perhaps because of the rather morbid connection it, a film about The Black Death has with the present pandemic. And I found it to be one of the best films I have ever seen. I mean, duh, it’s Bergman, but it really touched me in unexpected ways, and dare I say I actually felt soothed at the end when they danced over the hill with Death.

Moreover, in an earlier scene, Max von Sydow’s Knight shares strawberries and milk with two travelling actors, their young child and his squire. He tells them that he will cherish the purity of the moment as if it were a bowl of freshly milked milk. I found it to be a beautiful moment in a rather heavy film. It also made me think about how most of us spend our lives overlooking the small stuff and stressing over what has been and what will be rather than being present. Quite the Zen sentiment, and one I had forgotten to practise recently.

I dare to say this will be me when the time comes…

It is clear to me (and anyone who reads this) that my fear of death is getting in the way of me living my life. I touched on the idea of Fear, in general, having such an impact on me in the 27 Things I Have Learned in 27 Years post that I wrote recently, and I am trying to find ways to mitigate its effects on me. No easy feat really, it’s hard to unlearn habits that have driven your life for as long as you can remember.

If you're struggling with everyday things, anxiety and/or suicidal thoughts and need to talk to someone then get in contact with Samaritans (UK). They are there to help.

Graduation Elation

Going to university is arduous, it’s one of the biggest life events that can shape your future. It’s years of toil, of pressure, of impending deadlines, headaches and nights spent hunched over a screen. But by Jove, when you’re finished it’s one of the most rewarding and satisfying journeys you have undertaken so far in the vastness that is life. In the three or four years you spent studying you have learnt your limits, you have learnt how to overcome those limits and you can proudly say “I have done it!”. That’s how it was for me anyway.

I went to university a little bit later than most people, at age 18 I didn’t really know what to do with myself, let alone what to study. So I took an academic break and dived into the world of employment. I challenged myself on the battlefield that is retail, overcoming social anxiety, sexism and other perils. And in this process, I learnt what I wanted to do. I wanted to study English Literature. I have loved books all my life, and I had flirted with the idea of being a writer or working in Advertising for quite some time. So English Literature seemed like a good subject to go for. I then decided at the age of 23 to enrol at The Open University to study English Literature, I chose the OU because it would give me the opportunity to study and work at the same time.

Fast forward three years, I have graduated amidst a global pandemic with a First-Class Honours in English Literature! I think I may have doubted myself every step of the way but I actually accomplished what I originally aimed for which I am so happy about, I am literally filled with elation right now…

So what’s next?

I have no idea, the job market is absolutely screwed, and we are in the midst of the biggest recession since well ever, maybe…just great! But that’s not really something to worry about, most wounds heal eventually, and everybody is in the same place. I’ll just have a bit of a harder time finding a job and maybe in the process I’ll become more resilient and resourceful which is never a bad thing. So here’s to the future, may it be full of intrigue, challenges and joy!