Thanatophobia + The Seventh Seal

The other night I had a panic attack. Again. I laid down in bed, switched the light off and hoped my brain would follow suit. It didn’t. Instead of the usual barrage of ideas for stories or random philosophical musings that often keep me up at night, a much more sinister thought settled in my mind. Death. You see death and the process of dying (and therefore ceasing to exist) always sets me off, I just can’t get my head around it and it freaks me out so much to the point that I have full-blown panic attacks about it.

One time at the doctors when I was younger and having an injection, I fainted for the first time. It was a slow blurring of the senses and an encroaching vignette of darkness. Naturally, I thought I was dying. I was completely terrified and I can remember struggling to breathe and shouting ‘I don’t want to die’ a few times before losing consciousness. Not my finest moment. After that episode, the fear of death went away for a few years, came back and retreated again like the tide. It had been quite a while since the last panic attack about death, but I guess with the whole pandemic situation and hearing and seeing death counts every single day the anxiety around it has understandably returned.

Sometimes I ask myself how does everyone function, why is the world not in a blind panic? People running around screaming and crying because of their guaranteed oblivion. Evolution. That’s why. Religion helps too. When I was a teenager I would read the New Testament desperate to believe in God so that I wouldn’t be so scared of death, but I never could quite convince myself. I’ve also tried Zen Buddhism too, that worked much better and for quite a long time I was at peace with the transience of life. In fact, I started looking at death as the final act in a play. Your prologue takes place while you're in the womb, the first act is…well who am I kidding Shakespeare has already covered this ground and he did it far better than I ever could.

I recently watched Bergman’s The Seventh Seal to try and see another point of view on death, and perhaps because of the rather morbid connection it, a film about The Black Death has with the present pandemic. And I found it to be one of the best films I have ever seen. I mean, duh, it’s Bergman, but it really touched me in unexpected ways, and dare I say I actually felt soothed at the end when they danced over the hill with Death.

Moreover, in an earlier scene, Max von Sydow’s Knight shares strawberries and milk with two travelling actors, their young child and his squire. He tells them that he will cherish the purity of the moment as if it were a bowl of freshly milked milk. I found it to be a beautiful moment in a rather heavy film. It also made me think about how most of us spend our lives overlooking the small stuff and stressing over what has been and what will be rather than being present. Quite the Zen sentiment, and one I had forgotten to practise recently.

I dare to say this will be me when the time comes…

It is clear to me (and anyone who reads this) that my fear of death is getting in the way of me living my life. I touched on the idea of Fear, in general, having such an impact on me in the 27 Things I Have Learned in 27 Years post that I wrote recently, and I am trying to find ways to mitigate its effects on me. No easy feat really, it’s hard to unlearn habits that have driven your life for as long as you can remember.

If you're struggling with everyday things, anxiety and/or suicidal thoughts and need to talk to someone then get in contact with Samaritans (UK). They are there to help.

Getting Back to Normal

This year has been the most surreal and scary year in my life so far. Coronavirus pretty much bought the world to its knees and made nearly every single one of us rethink life. I have realised that I just want to live simply and allow myself to have joy and appreciate everything that I have the privilege of experiencing.

It’s September now and while COVID-19 (the invisible enemy) is still out there lurking, things are starting to go back to normal, well kind of anyway. But maybe instead of going back to normal we need to create a new normal, one where Black Lives Matter, one where the Climate Crisis is taken seriously, one where being LGBTQIA+ is perfectly ok, one where disabilities aren’t met with discrimination. What a beautiful world that would be!

Also, just another thought does anyone else feel like this whole situation has been similar to cold war era paranoia? Instead of “commies” or “red under the bed” it’s a virus that is making us paranoid and suspicious of each other. A cough in public is tantamount to reading the communist manifesto. I really can’t wait for this to be over.

Book: Diary of an Oxygen Thief (2nd Hand) Watch: TX MAXX Phone Case: Ideal of Sweden

Personally, I am having yet another tidy up (I swear my clear outs are just as frequent as a DFS sale!). I am also spending my days reading books to declutter the 100’s I have occupying several shelves and pretty much most surfaces in sight. I feel like this time it might stick as I just feel like I need a less chaotic space, in a world so utterly out of control I need to control my little patch of it. I am also starting to look for jobs, I am hoping to find something that will actually allow me to use my brain creatively and failing that I might try freelance copywriting for a while while I make this blog better and try and write a novel.

I am also still studying languages (French, Korean and Norwegian) and I hope to put them into use when the world is safe to travel around again. I can’t think of anything better right now than in a few weeks time renting a cabin in the north of Norway, chopping wood for a fire, snuggling under a blanket and reading while sipping on hot coffee. Then marvelling at the northern lights when it’s dark and the sky is clear. Maybe next year, aye?

Graduation Elation

Going to university is arduous, it’s one of the biggest life events that can shape your future. It’s years of toil, of pressure, of impending deadlines, headaches and nights spent hunched over a screen. But by Jove, when you’re finished it’s one of the most rewarding and satisfying journeys you have undertaken so far in the vastness that is life. In the three or four years you spent studying you have learnt your limits, you have learnt how to overcome those limits and you can proudly say “I have done it!”. That’s how it was for me anyway.

I went to university a little bit later than most people, at age 18 I didn’t really know what to do with myself, let alone what to study. So I took an academic break and dived into the world of employment. I challenged myself on the battlefield that is retail, overcoming social anxiety, sexism and other perils. And in this process, I learnt what I wanted to do. I wanted to study English Literature. I have loved books all my life, and I had flirted with the idea of being a writer or working in Advertising for quite some time. So English Literature seemed like a good subject to go for. I then decided at the age of 23 to enrol at The Open University to study English Literature, I chose the OU because it would give me the opportunity to study and work at the same time.

Fast forward three years, I have graduated amidst a global pandemic with a First-Class Honours in English Literature! I think I may have doubted myself every step of the way but I actually accomplished what I originally aimed for which I am so happy about, I am literally filled with elation right now…

So what’s next?

I have no idea, the job market is absolutely screwed, and we are in the midst of the biggest recession since well ever, maybe…just great! But that’s not really something to worry about, most wounds heal eventually, and everybody is in the same place. I’ll just have a bit of a harder time finding a job and maybe in the process I’ll become more resilient and resourceful which is never a bad thing. So here’s to the future, may it be full of intrigue, challenges and joy!

How to Survive Quarantine

At first, I didn’t take the SARS-CoV-2 seriously, I thought ‘oh this will all blow over’… It didn’t and it won’t.

It’s strange when you realise that you are living through a moment that will make history for some it was WWII, the Fall of the Berlin Wall et cetera, for me it was 9/11 and the 7/7 bombings in London. I remember where I was on these occasions and that they would change the face of the world forever. SARS-CoV-2 is another of those moments. We are living through exceptional times that will most definitely leave a scar.

With the whole country going into quarantine I thought I would put forward some ideas on what to do with all this time spent at home so that we don’t go crazy and can use this time to make some positive changes in our lives. And it is also worth noting how most of us lucky in the fact that we have a roof over our heads in this time, as many people are out on the streets or struggling to make ends meet due to this whole situation.

What to do while in Quarantine

• Read a book, or 5 - I can make a reading recommendations list if y’all would like.

• Make a playlist and dance around the house singing loudly

• Commune with nature - RESPONSIBLY! Open a window, sit in your garden, let the sun shine on your face and the fresh spring air fill your lungs

• Exercise - Practice yoga, run up and down your stairs, push-ups, pull-ups, jogging on the spot or maybe dig out those old school Mr Motivator tapes and get moving!

• Think then do - Confront yourself, are you satisfied with the path you're on. If not think about how you can change the direction your heading in. For me, I will be filling my time making videos for youtube, studying, taking photos, decluttering, studying the languages I’m learning and writing, lots of writing.

• Use technology to come together - We have all this fantastic tech around us that allows us to see and talk to anyone around the world, so let’s stay indoors but visit our loved ones virtually.

• Binge-watch TV - Oh there is so much content out there in the world, and if there is a TV show you’ve been meaning to watch now is the perfect time to sit back and watch.

• Pursue that hobby you’ve been meaning to do - We all have those hobbies where we have exactly what we need to get started but somehow haven’t managed to, for me that’s my acoustic guitar, sitting patiently in its bag waiting for the day I pick it up and start learning.

• Pamper yourself - Use that expensive facemask, watch a youtube tutorial on how to do facial massages, run a hot bubble bath and pour yourself a glass of wine and indulge in the luxury of it all.

• Start a blog - If you’ve always wanted to have your own little space on the internet then now is the time, I use Squarespace which is probably the easiest platform to get started on and I love it #notsponsored #butiwishiwas

• Get drunk - We all need to let loose sometimes

• Research - If there is something you're fascinated by take some time and find out about it, whether its Quantum physics, Norse Mythology or the Mongolian Empire, find out new information and enrich your mind.

• Train your pet - A way to keep you and your pet busy and having fun, I’m going to get Eddie our Jack Russell to learn a few new tricks…if I can get him to stop snoozing in the sun that is.

• Clean and declutter - we are all going to be stuck at home for quite a while so you need to have a clean and organised space to inhabit, so get vacuuming, dusting and sorting through your belongings.

• Play games and board games - If you're lucky enough to be in quarantine with your family, friends or loved one then pass some time playing games it will make you laugh and appreciate those around you.

So do your part, stay at home and stay safe and healthy. Also, let’s show as much gratitude to NHS staff as possible, they are working hard to keep us all safe and they are risking their lives to do so!