Cate Crafter

I wrote about my all-consuming fear of death around 2 years ago now in the aptly titled Thanatophobia + The Seventh Seal - where I reminisced on the weird moments when panic and existential dread have overwhelmed me and how I had the really great idea of watching a film about The Plague during our very own plague era.

Well, guess what? It’s back. And worse than ever. In December, I spent 6 hours in A&E because I suddenly got this awful crushing pressure in my chest, I was taking some antibiotics at the time, and well, I thought it might be a reaction. Still a mystery as to what it actually was tbh. But sitting in a waiting room for 6 hours in between an ECG and other things with no other distractions other than people watching will make you think. And my brain likes to think a little too much sometimes.

I’ve also had to ban myself from physics documentaries as I binge-watched Brian Cox’s latest series and managed to scare the fuck out of myself with it. The universe is wild, and we are literally nothing in comparison…so when we die, why would anything be waiting for us. Fuck.

Several panic attacks later.

Literally every day, I think about death. About the looming certainty of it. And how I can’t get my head around literally not existing anymore. And how much of a waste it is. Why are we born just to die? Existence is utterly pointless.

I’ve always been drawn to fantasy stories, and the other day I realised that I’ve always liked or been interested in immortal characters… Elves and Vampires. Because they have what I can’t have. And while the reality of Immortality would be quite scary…imagine living until the end of the universe or if you can’t make it that far because humanity has annihilated itself through nuclear war and/or we never leave get the chance to leave this solar system…imagine when the sun dies, and then you die too. It then makes me feel sick knowing that one day long after I close my eyes for the last time, the universe will end but I won’t have existed for millennia.

Why is my brain like this? I only have one life, and I’m spending most of it worrying about death, and if I’m not worrying about death, then I’m just stone-cold depressed.